I used to do it here before.
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So I have decided to call it a hostel life, and be a day scholar travelling from my aunt's house to the college everyday. And I still won't get the bike, but you know
what? I don't give a shit. I am gonna take it from home and travel 40 kms. I need to make careful plans.
I tried contacting the clerks in the office regarding vacating the hostel, and it seems like they don't wanna pick up the phone. The DCW told me to call them, and I am now
a fucking ping pong ball bouncing between the DCW and the office clerks, just like any citizen trying to get some government employees get shit done in a towm municipality.
Anyway, I am done with the hostel life, and I am not safe in the aunt's house either. They are backward, too judgemental, and they behave like I don't deserve to stay there.
I tried to make my dad undertand the situation, but he doesn't give a flying fuck. It's his sister so he don't care even if she poisons me to death. I am pretty sure he is
striving there in the Middle East just to win an argument, when I am not studying. He spent much of his interests in his daughter's education, outside the state, and planned
to attend her orientation program and convocation ceremony. I am pretty sure he wouldn't wanna attend mine, so he might just tell me to man up and take the damn degree from the hands
of the people offering me the scroll on the stage, and leave. I don't want him to attend the event anyway, because he looked like he ain't worth the hassle, interested in any shit I
put my finger on. Whenever I wanted to make things, he demotivated me, and urged me to give up, and never wanted to offer me money to make shit. He never wanted to support me
in any extracurricular activities, even in buying a guitar, he found a reason not to buy me one; in which case my sister supported me by buying me a ukulele. Even though he yaps
a lot about me not taking part in extracurricular activities, all he did was make me feel like why I suck taking part in these, not encourage me at all. And it dies out like any other form
of motivations. This is the reason why everytime he comes back from the Gulf, I don't feel like welcoming him at all. He takes on the show like he's a big fucking celebrity, and goes all
over the town, and blames people that doensn't want to help him in building his dream house. I am not going to stay there at all, and I have decided to make up my mind. I am pretty convinced that
he builds this house just like any other houses he eiter bought or made, where he ends up renting it someone to pay off his loans. I am pretty sure no one is going to stay there permanently,
because of his influence on everyone around him. It's always his annoying mindset that forces me to repel further away from him, and plan to pull a Christopher McCandless move to
anywhere in the world I can find happiness.
I want to make a difference, so I am going to buy a book. In which, I will write a movie.
It's always a spike of motivation that drives me with such thoughts, which I reluctantly had to realize that such surges are bubbles doomed to end in a quick bust.
But for some reason, this bubble is something I think wouldn't burst soon.
I had a plot in my mind, when a group of people dine together in the same table in a restaurant, and have an hour-long conversation which slowly, gradually escalates into a riot.
A mix of humour, seriousness, and a considerable amount of depiction of conversations in a real world where the barrier between the movie and reality is thin or almost nothing; is all I wanted to
use as a tool. The thing is, I want to add something between the two ends that make the movie: The topics of discussion. I realized that in order for a conversation to ever happen, there must be four fundamentally
important factors that must come into existence: The Person, another person, a question, and an answer. Now as it expands with the number of people or questionnaires involved, what further grows out of it becomes some other factors, that makes the people in the conversation forget
these fundamental structures, and at some point it ends up becoming a mindless sharing of words that comes straight out of your mouth. Now that's a part where differences in opinions are prone to happen, which leads to interruptions, and
scenarios where people listen only to talk back. And now, anyone can add spice, or make it personal; until someone manages to extinguish the candle flame that can cause an explosion. All that started from perspectives that mostly existed without anyone caring to know about it.
Anything can happen in a conversation. It doesn't necessarily need to begin, in order for it to end, or to even exist. Anyone, or anything can interrupt. Or maybe, there will be questions without answers, or answers without questions. But I am pretty sure that a conversation surely can end, if it didn't start in the first place.
I've been suggested a few Malayalam movies by some, who claims someone had already made such movie. One of which I can remember is Churuli.
I have decided to drop the team from participating in the most fraudulent event organized by any professional socieities I would ever know of. I have once again failed
to boost my portfolio, and it was a good run. Today was supposed to be the day where the drone I designed in the Laptop is supposed to be a real thing soaring up the sky,
and all it shattered because of a bad liver I've got. I feel like being more uncertain about my future, and my desires to disppear somewhere no ear has ever heard of, or no
eyes have ever seen, has got more stronger. I've started to feel that the people my father decided to abstain from has decided to abstain from me as well, because I feel the
success of my sister is what they all want to talk about. I feel less like a person to them, and I do not know how to convince myself that all these are completely a thing not
to feel bad about.
Vapi has decided to join my sister in celebrating my sister's convocation ceremony, and he decided to fly all the way from Saudi, to be here for 5 days. I have a strong feeling that
things will get even worse, and I might be urged to pull the cord. Knowing that no soul reads all these thoughts I toss here, I believe this is the only free will I can ever have, which
I made for myself.
I have grown a small beard. It's a goatee. I'd prefer to keep it, just like growing my hair. And when I feel like I'm in the right place, I'd shave them off.
I am still forced to follow a vegan diet, and I can't resist my urges to eat a chicken burger. Now that I am leaving the very place that made me a person I never wanted to be, I might have to
risk losing a few habits that I felt like an orphan receiving a tender hug from a woman wanting to adopt him.
Classes are rumoured to start next week, and so does the second internal exams. I haven't learned things in a disciplined manner, which is concerning. I will have to force myself to move on
will all the apparent uprise people around me are granted with, and utilize the privilege that I have. I want to take my mind away from having a mind to start a DEMAT account and
invest in any firms listed in Bombay Stock Exchange. I need to know a few more financial instruments before making such an uncertain decision. I remember the opening of the movie
"The Big Short", where a quote of Mark Twain was shown to explain the effects of greed and over optimism that caused the Great Recession in 2008. So I will have to refrain from shorting
my fear in buying a share of a Publicly Listed Firms claimed to have limited liability.
Well, I got diagnosed with Hepatitis A. And the blood tests were even surprising, because the doctors found out that I caught dengue the week I bottled the interview
with the marine company in Kochi, and then somehow recovered unknowingly. I now have a bad liver, and have been in the state of recovery since Feb 28th. I was asked to move to my
Aunt's house in Kollam, and listen reluctantly to her lame advices and opinions that reflect her younger brother, who is my father. I can only follow a strict vegan diet for a month and a half, and
can not go back to the hostel once the college reopens for the offline classes.
Apart from the liver disease, I finally completed the design of the drone, and turned in the report. The clowns that organize the event has decided to come up with the date that caused a half of the
teams participating in the event (including us) to riot, because we don't get trains for the day. These scumbags never wanted to listen to us, and decided to be more of a reason to call them scammers. SAEINDIA Southern Section
are a bunch of fucking scammers. I have asked my faculty advisor on his view on a class action lawsuit against them.
Anyway, I couldn't go either. Travel restrictions due to bad liver has forced me refrain from doing a lot of things I used to do on a regular basis. But I have an idea, an idea so great it can help me.
Since there is no hope that the completion of the house back in town would be before my graduation, and the fact that I keep moving my workspace frequently, I have decided to make myself a big, portable desk,
which fits on a big travel bag, and when I pull out, I can set it like the sexiest of all the working desks an engineer could ever have. Wood is the material I have in my mind, and I have Fusion 360 and Solidworks to
bring my sketch to reality. Speaking of sketch, I will do one today. And also, I will find a way to upload the 2d drawings of my drone design in this website.
The series of events that made me go through the end of this month is clearly something I want to forget. I had to witness what they call as the "greatest strike in the history of" my college. Because the management has decided to go rigid with their shitty opinions giving absolutely zero fucks about the students that had to eat the shit we get in the hostel mess. So on the third day of the strike, the college decided to suspend all the classes and ordered all the hostel inmates to gtfo of the hostels for a while. And that was immediate, and unexpected. And a few days, I got sick, and the cases of Hepatitis and Jaundice keeps skyrocketing in the hostels, and the management decided to reopen the fucking college all out of the blue. Offine classes were conducted normally, and then... they decided to go back the online way, and that too.. in an unexpected manner; and they didn't wanna fucking admit of their remorse. I also keep getting sick frequently, and I am being too sleepy, despite assuring myself that I definitely had slept proper 7 hours. Another thing that keeps annoying me is the fact that the pressure of having to submit the report of the drone design competition within 9 days, and we still haven't reached a final design. We didn't even fucking tested it. We are doomed. Joyal finally has the mind to be serious, despite numerous attempts of me having to remind my useless, good for nothing team members about the deadline, and no one gives a flying fuck. I decided to pull back, and focus on myself. Let the 2500 rupees wash down the drain, because I am falling behind in my academics, and I can't let that slide.
Got my S5 results today. 7.98 is not a good score, and I believe I have done well enough to get over 8. I am going to seek reevaluation, and give myself a time to reflect on what I have done. Surely people that fund me isn't going to take the news well, and in that case, I am fucked. Moving on.
First blog of the 2025 doesn't necessary has to be about sharing good news. The month could probably wear me out before Q2. I am in trouble, and I need to find a way out. Starting
from the short term problem, I haven't started studying for the internal exams meant to start next week at 30th. The 2nd problem is that the organizers at the SAEINDIA Southern Section
does not want to listen to my reasonable excuses to postpone the second workshop to mid February, because of the GATE exams on 2nd of that month. And the 3rd problem is that, I have to attend an
aptitude test of a Marine company for which I was called to attend after seeing my academic background. And above all, which seems to be the long-term problem, all these happen on the same week. Series exam starts on 30th of Jan, and I have to board the train to
Chennai at afternoon on the date, and Aptitude Test for the Marine company is on 31st, and I will be on Chennai. The day I reach Kerala from Chennai, on 2nd of February, I have to attend the GATE exams on 9 am in Alappuzha, if I reach Ernakulam
at 6 am. I am a shit leader, and doesn't know how to communicate with the Senior Advisors and HoD on behalf of the team I lead. The only reason I decided not to lose hope on this is because of Vazim sir, whom I
initially feared (due to a traumatic viva experience back in s4 for the practical subject, Machine Tools Lab - I). Even though, I felt like he did see a hope in me being able to finish the degree properly, which I don't see. He was able to speak and make the
HoD understand about the situation we were in. But there is another challenge. The HoD wants all our attendance statements, and spoke rude to my guy Mukundan. And now, tomorrow I have to go to his office again, on hopes of not having to listen to a new reason of why he does not want to sign the request letter.
Food is still shit, and folks here claimed to have got a tail piece of rotten fishes. Vazim Sir, the guy that helped me today, who coincidentally is also a hostel warden overseeing food quality, showed up at the kitchen, and
gave his nth last warning to the people behind 8 food poison cases in the last week, and a student in ICU, and me with a terrible loose motion that happened 3 days ago.
I do not want to say life is not good at the moment, but there has to be a better way to have a good day, and good days. The fact that the results of the previous semester seems to arrive this week adds to these problems as the icing on the top, makes me keep the rope to the 2nd of my shopping list, which I sadly have to say is the closest I've ever been to rethink my will to live. I really feel sorry for all the people that had to endure because of what I did, and I really am willing to do anything to compensate for that if a simple sorry doesn't seem to be enough. I am on the edge of this, and I am slowly losing my sanity. I feel like I am all alone on this one, and I no longer want to expect anyone to hold my hand through this.
The only thing I don't find a trouble about is this blog, which is not being possibly monitored or read by anyone other than me. So even if it is my suicide message, no one would care.
All I ever wanted was to be happy, and see good times in the coming days. Based on my results from the forecasting I done on this year, this year would not seem to be kind to me, and is forcing me to keep waiting for a good time. I wouldn't complain about the pain if I
actually had anyone to talk to. I've been portrayed as an anxious and a socially awkward person. I couldn't see the future the way my colleagues do. My life has always been a curse to me. No matter how many times I thought I am heading for an oasis that caught my attention, I keep seeing a mirage of it. I am on an endless journey to find hope, and everyday it makes me feel like I need to get off the road, crash and fall deep into the pit and die. I am lost, and I no longer feel pertinent to anyone.
Today begins the 3rd last semester of my college. I don't have any special feelings or reactions about this, but I wanna know what has to be done to go through the
semester, enough to get me placed by a reputed company. High time for me to stay away from comfort zones, and in that case, I am pretty sure I am not going to be the same person anymore.
The classmates will remain as the same soulless selfish assholes I would see everyday, and there would be snakes among them. I will try my best to involve in events as much as I can to avoid these
scumbags, and I can get something gainful out of it. I am not going to have much of a positive expectations for this semester, because I believe it's just like any other semesters.
Shit faculties, schedules and academic performance. I have to live through this. I am going to mark my day on the todo to keep things in order.
Couldn't find anyone to collab with me for the final year project. I asked Aravind about this a month ago, and he did say he would give a call. What he didn't tell me was that he already
formed a group with the other 2 students, making it 4. I am left with no one to collaborate with. I was sent to a shitty class since the first semester, and I hate the way how things are going.
I didn't attend the afternoon classes. I just don't want to be an invisible entity surrounded by a bunch of people who finds their own happiness by finding someone to share their interests with.
I am reconsidering to stop my journey to get placed by a reputed firm. I feel like I don't need a job, I just want to be happy. I don't feel like I would get a relief if I speak to Vapi about this.
He is definitely a great guy and all, I'd agree with that, but he always forces me to find the answer within God. A god so forgiving and loving that he literally puts me in the middle of a pit I don't know what to do.
A god so loving and forgiving that he doesn't want me to die, but to keep suffering with the worst heartbreaks a person of my age could probably ever have. A family so caring they wear their lives out
on hopes that a defected seed they planted 21 years ago would turn into a big fucking tree. I just want to be me, to be happy. Sometimes, I don't necessarily feel like needing a job, get married, start a family or do any other things the common
man would do to get the society to grant him a nominalized term "The man". I just want to live away from the people, someone peaceful, remote, explore the wild, and be able to do good things to people who helped me.
Also, 2 days ago, I was told by my 38 year old unmarried aunt that I need a woman to fix me. I am shocked. She saw all the texts from a girl in my drone design team, and she came up with this opinion. The girl I texted with is a person
who really want to share plenty of things to me, even when I didn't ask her anything. She took pictures of my drawings in the art exhibition display and had it sent to my Whatsapp, and I was told by my aunt that she is a supportive person. The only catch is, she is a 2nd year student, in chemical department,
with a curriculum so advanced that I would deliberately want to flunk to learn what they're learning. Rishi Jayalal is really a lucky person in this case.
Before moving on, I want to get answers of a few questions I decided to ask myself.
Why Mechanical Engineering?
I would want to deny the fact that I wanted to pursue my career in Computer Science. Though I had liked a few aspects of it, there are points my mind wouldn't
want me to dig further; which made me less satisfied about learning the subject. However, I found my interest in cars, bikes, machines, any human made things that
moves, or made to move something else from one point to another. I really found myself admiring these machines, their designs, their working principles, and
their scope of doing unimaginable things for the sake of humans. I really was fond of cars, aircrafts and machines since childhood, back when I didn't know what sadness was. I always wanted
an easy answer, not for the sake of explaining it to someone who has no idea what the fuck they're looking at. I wanted to picture some concept in my mind in my own way,
so I would have a feeling that I made it, so I wouldn't let my interest in the concept die out. I wanted an easy way to portray something that people call it difficult, in
such a way that even a toddler can understand. I mostly found this method successful in this subject, but I was, and still is insecure about some other important concepts
I had to learn without losing interest. I asked ChatGPT what was the easiest way to not let the interest die out, and the first response it generated was to ask myself why I started this.
Now, when a firm asks me the same question during an interview process, I wanted to frame the same answer in a different way, so they wouldn't want my weakness to be felt.
Why I wanna get placed?
I have the urge of getting a job as quick as possible, so I can start saving as much as I want, to hike to the most remote places in the northeast. I would want to live off the supplies
as minimal as possible. I must be paid well enough to get myself a cruiser bike to hit the roads, and try my best not to be tracked down by my so-called relatives that saw me and my sister as
the "bastard children". I wouldn't do harm to anyone, just be happy, live somewhere remote, into the wild. Chris McCandless is definitely the guy I idolize. I must also be able to pay off all the
debts that made my father having to suffer because of what I did to him. I must be able to pay off some dues I owe my sister. She lent a lot of money to me, and I am planning to live long enough to
pay such debts.
Why Larsen and Toubro?
Something tells me that they have projects and engineering division that match my interests. I am interested in Gas Turbines, Pipelines, Fluid flows, and Turbomachineries. Design and Engineering, CFD are the two
specialization fields which caught my eyes in L&T Heavy Engineering Division. I am aiming for it. Seems like a perfect candidate for me. My potential skills are CFD and Design, and I am getting better at it by very small magnitudes,
the growth rate of which can be increased if I go attend the 40 hour CFD add-on course session offered by ISHRAE. I wouldn't mind if any professionals are willing to offer me proper guidance for free.
Apart from the common notions that mechanical engineering students in my college are stereotyped in such a way that L&T is an easy opportunity, I am not going to listen to all of that. I am going along with it, and have decided to spend my days and nights
busy trying to upskill myself to land that job. The only thing I want to train is my logical skills. I feel dumb sometimes, and feel so insecure about moments when I am doing something I feel like dumb. I made dumb decisions throughout my whole life, and I learnt a lot from it.
So why not L&T?
Why do I want to make a website?
I have to present my contributions, and showcase my efforts on what I wanted to be. I also wanted to represent what all I have done to be the person I planned to be. So, as a result, I make a website. I will display my works related to what I am known for according to my LinkedIn profile, and post the
outcomes of my mental illness here. I want to turn my illness into an asset that makes me what I want to be.
Well about the magazine, there has been a fuckup. Even though I
expected a breakthrough, there is still some form of imperfections.
I wouldn't want to blame anyone, but the students who I help aren't
doing their part in contributing so well that their claims of deserving
a spot in the photos of the magazine team members isn't less worth of listening.
Abhishek chettan gave his remark in such a way that he might be on the verge of giving up
trying to release it on time without postponing it like GTA6.
Now to the Drone team part. Except one person, rest of the others showed up,
and I am happy because we were told we will be trained with what to do about
the presentation, and the design processes, after the christmas vacations, based on a satisfactory schedule considering the timetable of the current semester. I was asked to form an independent
group without the mentors, so things can be real serious. Half of the team
is on the opinion that the od drone shall be rebuilt. Nandana did gave a remark
about the structural issues caused by the poor choice of materials. What she claimed was that the plane needs
a tough, lightweight and affordable metal, and the design must satisfy the necessities of
incorporating proper battery and avionic controls, without having to drill and mess up the
design after fabricating the parts. Now I have to see and analyse what all did Afin's team used to do back then.
he sent me a fusion team link, which contains all the folders related to aerex, and the assembly version of each parts.
Before that, I must be able to make an assembly properly by utilizing the component function.
I'm in the middle of a python class, affiliated with the placement "bootcamp". The kinds of questions he keeps sending us
is what he claims as the one going to be asked in the coding event of the placement process. I have only one word for this:
baffled. It's a little bit challenging. Though I do have an idea about what the question mean, I do try to type the code in the terminal,
and do a trial and error campaign, on hopes that the thing works, without expecting the proper answer.
I am typing this in the middle of the class, and I don't want to leave my hands free.
Finally made a resume. Scroll down to "Works related to Mechanical Engineering", and scroll deep down again, till you see a link called "CV".
Went and gave my drawings to the Art Exhibition folks. Also, I somehow was pulled in by Aromal to attend a placement meeting, and I took the role of spearheading the
whole placement coordination of my batch. I am trying to figure out wbat made my mind do that. Anyway they did provide few instructions. And the next week will be full
of placement trainings and shit. I must be positive, and get my shit together. I must also ensure that I have a strong heart incase things doesn't seem to go the right way.
I must learn to ask the right questions, and I must be able to give the right answers.
I have finally decided to make a few steps to make sure that I would wanna get what I need, and I will do whatever I want to be substantially happy for the rest of my life.
I must do something to be cognitively active, and I must be able to interact with some folks regarding placement assistance.
Met Fahd Sir today. The reason why I decided to take his advise is because both of us have a lot of common fields of interest, and I have decided to take his guidance. He sent
me some resources to study about Reinforcement machine learning, as a prerequisite to take over his project for my final year works. He did opine about my Python project, and told me
why it isn't shit, but not useful for educative purposes. As a result, we had a 10 minute talk regarding various topics on what I must focus on.
I finally can see a breakthrough on what I can accomplish. I don't wanna be too optimistic about this, but let's see what's gonna take. I am going to give it all. Here's what I need for now:
Today, I have made a few fuckups, and one good progress.
I got a Matlab certification. And I completed the course with almost full satisfaction. And the fuckups are.. I bottled a chance to lead out my team to the first attempt
of participating in the first workshop. Most of the reason was, the team doesn't wanna communicate, and I got pissed. Afin bro somehow decided to have my back. Next workshop event
is on 24th and 25th of Jan, and I do not wanna miss it. ISHRAE never called me back regarding joining the execom vacancy for documentation works. CFD courses would only start on
the first week of January. The chance of me going to a real internship in Cochin Shipyard has also been bottled. Prarthana called them folks and told they wouldn't do internships
on Christmas holidays. I really should've joined that ISRO internship, and I regret it. Tomorrow, a few folks from a Lierature and Debate Club wanted my drawings on display at noon,
and the day after tomorrow, I got to attend a MATLAB workshop. I got sick today, and the queen Sheeba told me I must bite the senior's ass to know what them folks are doing on their final
year projects, and gave me a few personal advices she thinks I will accept and adhere to. I am cooked.
Don't really know why these cool ideas keep generating in my head in the middle of these fucking exams. Now, I've done some upgrades to the engine backend. The upgrade is not that special, because I only made the observation table readable. I have to make a separate program for the generator load test. I could code this all day, but "all day" is problematic in the middle of these exams, and I don't want to lose my sanity over this, so I let the ChatGPT do most of the work; matter of fact I know what each line does, so I have a reason to go with AI prompts. The game is to know how to ask the right question, if you know the right answer. Found some few flaws I can fix. The unit selection is inverted, which means if you select the units to inches the prompt takes it as metres, and its the same the other way around. So, got to make that one change today, and do something about tomorrow's exam. It's a subject called "Industrial Economics and Foreign Trade".
I had a few plans to expand my field of research. As a person decided to spearhead a drone project representing an entire college, consisting of a few people with skills better than I have even tried to acquire, I find it necessary to make a proper schedule and make the coming months more engaging to me. Though I have finally iterated my interests to aerospace industry, I haven't lost my interest in trying to involve in campus recruitments next sem. I have obtained a certification course, and I have enrolled for another. I now have to sort, expand and utilize all the resources I have in an organized way as possible. Not going a step back. I have been living all this life with sudden bursts of motivations which died out real quick. But now I threw money onto it to pull my interests back, and ensure I stay in the grind for atleast half a year. Here's all the resources I have:
Internals are ongoing, and the subject we have tomorrow is "MACHINE TOOLS AND METROLOGY". I haven't seen a bevel gear in person (despite the fact that I've seen underneath a truck, I never seen them gear trains outside the differential gearbox). Nomenclatures are a new thing to me, and I
decided to take a long break, and rewatch Into the Wild (2007). What I am supposed to do right now is to learn about Broaching, Gear Making processes, and GD&T. I hate the last part, and I shouldn't. Tolerance is something I don't have, and all I've ever done in my life was an interference fit, where I fought my way to fit in.
To calculate something is an easy thing for me. But to give a description about something related to it, that's what gets me.
Maybe I just don't have to kill myself, just stay away from everyone, and go somewhere far, live a nomadic life. I prefer to do this the month I get the degree and
fuck right off from the college. Leave a few assets to anyone that matters, and walk out silently. Bike insurance is well covered for another year. I could ditch it
if the shitbox does the unexpected, i'd abandon it. For clarity, This dude is my inspiration. He lived through the same
level of suffering as I did, saw the world in a different way from the others, and it mattered to him to leave everything behind and feel the wildlife.
I still can justify my action of publicly blogging it, because no one gives a shit about what I write here, and the only person reading and writing is just me and me alone. So even when I commit the deed,
I don't think anyone will even think of this plain html webpage that only has some texts and lines, and live the rest of their life thinking my death is a mystery.
I had to stay away from blogging my sorrows for a while, so while that I never realized I skipped a month. Things are still shit as usual, and my
cognitive thinking is declining day by day, at a rate even Aparna started mocking me for it (She really noticed it and doesn't want to tell me, I dont wanna ask either). A few years ago,
I was requested by Vapi to tell him anything good about me, and I never really had anything to tell him. But now, I have one thing in my mind: Though I
am dumb, atleast I do quickly encounter a moment of realization that I've done something very dumb, and would be willing to do anything to compensate for it. But the problem is,
I am not learning from my mistakes! I fuck things up so badly, that at this point I don't even think I'd ever be
placed in any good company, which makes me move the item "Rope" in my shopping list to the 3rd item, which initially was 7th till mid of September.
Also, I'm quickly losing friends, and I do feel sad about it. It makes me weird, awkward; I don't wanna stay there in the class for long. Last week, I skipped
the last hour of each day, and today, I never went to go to the afternoon classes. I broke myself so bad, that even the gym couldn't fucking fix me.
Now what do I mean when I say I'm "losing friends" is that I feel like getting betrayed by people I helped, people I offered something in exchange for a good
friendship, people I've always been close with. I'm hurt inside out. I've gone so deep into the void that it is really convincing to me that I'd live for the
rest of my life all alone, with barely anyone to share my feeling with. I am doomed. I would eventually start drafting my suicide note to justify my action. I wouldn't
want people to remember me, because I never did anything to them that made any signficant changes in their lives. People are ungrateful. People are assholes, they
never show a bit of humility and gratitude to the people that helped them in their needing times. Every day I wake up there is one thing I always hoped for: To NOT FUCK
THINGS UP, even the simplest things. And guess what? I am not good at keeping my own word.
Now on, I'd live just to finish the course, and will try to keep the grades look unconcerned. And after that, I'd buy the rope. I am done, fucking done.
I was put in the
Core team of the Department Magazine, because I and my junior campusmate has spent days trying to transcript an interview with an alumni who works in Tesla. "Days", because the interview
was of more than 1 hour, and most of it was inaudible. I wondered if the senior dude who sent me the interview clip even saw what he sent, until I sent him the part of the interview clip
that had trouble. Only reason I joined is because I want to feel busy, wanting to forget that I have no friends, and have a family that I feel is being burdened by my mere presence by emptying their
pockets. I am a terrible investment for Vapi. Even he knows it, and wants to live the rest of his life pretending it wasn't. I have been making holes in the pockets of the other people I will have to care about, which
includes my sister and my aunt. I have ruined my life, and I have done everything to make my engineering degree worthless.
The project is done, and I've made the report after intense brainstorming, and forcing my brain to upgrade to make cost estimation skills in a unique way, and to apply the principle of natural selection in my report; which means, I have spent time adding what is required, and ditching what is not. I'd make an access to view my project report, and it's not classified. Because it's all about a spur gear, and not consisting of datas related to any rocket turbopumps, I have my rights to publish it, and see how dumb I am, more than I look. Speaking of rocket science, I have applied for an internship at ISRO. And I clearly have no idea about the sem breaks I would be granted with. Might be a dumb decision, since I have less expectations of ISRO wanting me to do their temporary works in their declassified zones, and to have limited freedom and be granted with unsure emoluments. I have also undertaken the project fundamentals for another team, whose leader is Hannah. Just like me, stuck with schmucks who really have no idea about what they're making, and have no clear idea of what has to be done (Though I learnt mine through the way I lead my project with intense gut feeling).
These few days were shit. I moved the rope up my shopping list. It's now the fourth item. I haven't had proper lunch for 3 days in a row. I feel like I'm losing every bit of hope from the few people I had to care about. The senior advisor wanted me to rectify my lab record for the nth time, and I am slowly losing it. She literally tossed my record on to the other end of the table over the fact that I didn't get a curve of the graph that showed the volumetric efficency of a diesel engine in the laboratory: curvy enough. It was all with a simple smile, while sweet words that churn grudge, anger and frustration and despair in me flows out of her mouth. I have spent nights awake writing data and record just to get a fucking sign of her. Meanwhile on the other hand, Anand Sir wanted us to make a mechanical hardware by 20th of the month, on a workshop that has a CNC he wouldn't allow us to use, using the timetable that lacks free hours required to plan and execute the project, with a group consisting of 5 members, in a class where I actually am the most hated person deep inside in every student in M5B (including me lately). The elites had their group formed quickly, and I was left with a bunch of other mindless pricks that really doesn't even have a bit of a clue about what has to be done. In short, I am left alone with myself. I as always, left in the dark, all by myself. I for the first time, flunked a class test today, because I wasn't told we are gonna have one. Most of the folks near me were in a zone comfy enough to use their phones without getting caught, and I was on one of the ends of the bench. Fearing the acts of God can be worse if I do things the wrong and immoral way, I wasn't like the rest of them. Maybe, I would lose serious amount of internal marks, and might have to be the subject of gossip in the faculty rooms. I am the person with the least luck in the world, and I wouldn't even die if I jumped off a 12 storey building. I want this shit to end once and for all. All the white collars that include Vapi and my senior advisor, wouldn't really know the depth of their own torment they unravel upon me because they are all busy flexing their IPhones and their own shitty aura, that made my life miserable and useless. I hope I could end this all one day over this building. I feel death would be more serene. And that's exactly what I would prefer. Luck favours the privileged. And the privilged, are the ones who can be prepared. Knowing that I am neither of these, I have decided to plan my way to make a silent exit from this cruel world. Decided to hit the gym. But I am unsure about the effect it would have on the wound I have which no one else could see.
Back again in a loooong while! Things happened. I have entered into the second last phase of my boring BTech life. Talks about Campus Recruitments have became a common thing in the CS Dept, and I feel the Mechanical Department is still dormant. Maybe I am not seeing the situation quite well and properly, so I should keep an eye on to such discussions. However, we were told that the seniors who just passed out are planning to host talk sessions on placements for our department, so its a good start. Results of the previous semester exam has not yet been published, and I am on the verge of losing it all. Though I literally did well, I have a weak but noticable feeling that the reality wouldn't be in favour of my anticipations. Aaaanyways.. I enrolled and paid for a certification course, the classes of which will start by next week, until then I have to choke my brain out to know what has to be done to create a gear with a pitch circle of 70mm with 7 teeth. CNC milling is overrated.. so I decided to stick with the classy old shaper machines and a mild steel work. I have NO INTEREST IN SEEKING FOR CAST IRON, because I am making something small and simple... hence a mini project. And fuck Autodesk, because they keep shrinking my license timeline the more I renew it for another year. Also, I have decided to do something very risky, to open source all the proprietrary study materials I found on the internet. Machine tools, Thermal Engineering must be freely used, and fuck copyright norms, their intellectual credits ain't worth a dick if you don't let your students use your resource for free.
Cold sweats and heartbreaks, dear All this and I'm still here To the ends of the Earth and the atmosphere Rest easy, and know my love's always near..
Thinking of enrolling for a crptoanalysis course by the end of this shitty semester. Manor construction progress is halfway through, and I found absofuckinglutely no use from psudosupervising the project. Old man wants this place to look as white and asylum as possible. The madman Aman left the gc for hating himself and being too intrusive. Dunno what to say about that. Apart from being fucking bored after repeatedly watching GTA5 walkthrough and wanting to get high, life's a meh. Sameha decided to text me after she remembered she used to listen to a guy wanting to spill his guts out to her, and now that she don't. Long distant and online conversation is a bitch, and I abhor it, more than anything.
Maybe I am doomed to be alone. Maybe I am just sad not over the feeling of being alone, but over not knowing the reason why I am lonely. The college techfest finally came to an end yesterday night, and I tried to enjoy the concert of Antara Mitra. I just stood back and listened to the music pretending I was chill. Then I walked back to my room and a strange realization struck me. I am a dead person and people couldn't see me as I walk past them when they have their faces facing forward as I walk past them. Yet to be dead literally. Pushed the item ROPE up the shopping list and is at the 3rd position. Declining academics, declining mental health, declining friendships, declining faith in god, declining will to live, declining support from people who should care about me, has eventually got me. Vapi decided to show the interior design of the new house to anyone in my family but me, and reserved a room for my sister without telling me a word about it. Maybe I just don't deserve them. I tried to run away from the house on hopes that my bike was the only hope, but then the expired registration certification made me move the rope as the 3rd item in my shopping list. Vapi has decided to consider this issue as the least of his concern. Numerous attempts to be diplomatic has failed, and I am left on my own. It sucks to be lonely. I am planning to push myself for a last time for a job that pays me enough to flip a finger at them, and then will consider to buy the rope after assessing the fate of my final effort to push myself. Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In classes, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man.
Back again! Tried to get away from being personal about all the things that get into my eyes and ears. But I had to come back to remind you how I get closer everyday to the end I wished for. I fucked up. I fucked up the current internal exams lately. Forget the target 40, I would barely make it 20 in three subjects this time. All because I had to find a way to shut myself complaining about the new unusual schedule I am not used to: 2 exams a fucking day, and I do not like it. Matter of fact it's only the worst thing to expect after you finish completing a plethora of assignments and homeworks meant to be submitted within a very limited time schedule, in which I had to find a part of it to listen to the boring online lectures and write lab records of two workshops. I am not fond of the way how things are going, and I have to admit, it went out of my hand this time. I am tired. Fucking tired. I have lost every single hopes in myself. I do not see a better version of myself 10 years from now, and there is no hope to gain my interest back. Also, I might try to put myself into deep trouble for the thing that happened yesterday, where an undercover faculty inhabiting in the next block which I didn't know about decided to have a trashy conversation with me, to which I conversated with an even trashy approach. At the end of conversation is when I realized he was a faculty and I have put myself into deep trouble. There is a meeting scheduled to today at 10 pm, and I don't think this time it's about the volunteering works for the upcoming "biggest techfest of the South India". I do not want to be a part of it, even involuntarily, as I see myself in a state of deep sadness which none of these sickos care to know about. Used to getting fucked might be their excuse, but that doesn't work for me. I want a job that pays me well, and my fears never leave me if I embrace their excuse. I need time and space to figure out what must I have to lose to FIT IN, and I need a greater amount of silence needed to do that research. My father has decided to warn me of the bike's expired registration yesterday, and had it been resolved back in 2019, I wouldn't have had to bother about not being able to ride alone happily, without any fear of getting caught for a "felony" for riding a MCWG with an expired registration, in which case warcrimes are tolerable, but not this; never an easy thing to justify. For the past few weeks I became useful to my aunt, who wanted to go to markets and stalls in the town. To talk and argue with the old man regarding the RC will not be deep down my priority list, and having to find time to hate myself over my incumbent fucked up academic status is another thing that goes on top of my head. I am done fucked for now.
The next time I ever decide to make an entry to compensate for my incapability to cry, I will do in such a way that whatever I type here will surely make sense. Word.
Today is the end of my first industrial visit. I suppose this is is also the right time to part ways with Sameha. Lost every people I could trust. This month might be my last to live. I still haven't lost hopes over the fact that I can consult a real therapist. I am typing this on a moving bus, and the fact that Aravind Suresh, my classmate wants all three seats all by himself when I get to type this with pain in and out really pisses me off.
Results for the third semester arrived on Friday, and it wasn't bad compared to the last three. But the fact that people who actually had my similar scores in the past semesters climbed harder than I did made me feel so hopeless, so bad that even I am planning to consider to give my paper for reevaluation. Metallurgy is what all I can think of. None of these sick fucks really helped me when I sought them for doubts. Elsa Galin has decided to recede away from me when it comes to helping me in academic matters. As I have mentioned in my previous blogs about the fact that I have no friends in my class. Every passing day makes me feel more than a dork. A lonely sick fuck who is cognitively challenged, and desires nothing but to kill himself. A lonely sick fuck who gathers laughing content when Adarsh Bhaskar mocks him unnecessarily so he can feel his relevance and make it resonate among his friend circle that includes Elsa and other elites. I am pretty sure that the day I hang myself to death,he would do more than just expressing his condolences. I clearly have no idea regarding how the fuck would I ever convince vapi about the fact that I am seriously facing some sort of a mental challenge that makes me feel ostracized from my classmates, because what I feel is that I am the only person in this class who never been an active member of any of its friend circles. I came to know that there are some people who are already on a group aspiring for GATE. And to seek Aromal (who is literally a member of one of such groups)for being a part of it would be a a challenge, as he is one of the most selfish people I ever met, after John, who claims that I saved him from drowning today in belur water activity session of the tour (banana boat ride oe something). Would provide more about the tour lore.
Now that I have lost all the people I could talk and trust, the next thing I can think of is to give up on myself by hanging my neck on to a rope tied by a ceiling fan in my hostel room. I trust the lack of audience well enough who read this blog, and thus, I am writing some of my final blogs for anyone in the future timeline to read and comprehend what really lead me to the rope. My cognitive skills are rapidly declining, and I do not know what I am doing. I have no intentions, just ike a clown that doesn't know what to do with a huge stash of money he robbed from a bank.
I got my reasons to part early. My whole life meant nothing but stories of betrayal, losses and subject to ignorance. I am just a soul the class cannot see. Even if they did, they would do anything to keep me out of their circles. I stick around like a bad smell in M404. They could only see me when they want something to be fulfilled when they're left with no choice of help but me. My pain has reached its peak, and to live is the closest thing to the hell I've ever felt. I hope they can finally cherish and march happily through their timeline without my interference. Now that I am finally dead, I hopefully can no longer feel pain anymore. Perhaps,I was and still is dead for a long time, with the only difference is that I am a zombie feeling pain every day. I hope all the pain ends with my last breath on the rope onto which I'll place my neck onto with shame and disgust, I wouldn't have to know what would other people feel, when all they did when I walked on the earth was to inflict upon me nothing but pain. It had to be the other way around when they never failed to convince me the fact that they have no heart. I wish nothing but a good life for them, and to remind me that my birth was an accident. And a share of the credits shall go to my father, who chose to live with pity and ignorance ever since he realized he has children that grown some form of well formed braincells.
I really like the way how Rohith Vemula penned his last letter. He went deep into the mind of people seeking to ignore, and explained the impact it had on his mind.
If by some unfavoured circumstance where anyone decides to take a glance at my blogpage, This is just meant to exist over the fact that I feel a huge wall between you and me. The wall you never realized had existed, or that because you were busy worrying about your own wall. Like everyone else, I had hopes and dreams. Dreams that only, and will forever remain just as a dream. Now it would seem to be a 'childish' behaviour when I give you my stauch reason, about why was it never accomplished. One of my utmost desires was to learn and glorify the beauty of the nature and the world, and be a part of it. A part of what I thought was to be accomplished was that I had to mingle with people. But I was never told of the fact that it's the people with the same desires as yours that are supposed to be mingled with. I really didn't know how to choose the people on basis of this realization, because I never walked into the room with the belief that people are different, and the chances of finding the right people can never be anticipated. I was raised with a notion that people around me are just as good as I am, so I chose to exert my excitement and joy, and pour too much hopes on belief that they would help me. I was raised with an imposed belief that being good would make thing better. I wasn't prepared for the world I was forced to be pushed into, with all the doors of hopes closed, and lost into the crowd scattering randomly everywhere, my voices being suppressed by the loud noise and murmurs of the people and their machines, and the bright world darkened by the brutalist infrastructure. With barely no advised intention to break out of the endless loop of rat race, on hopes that I would clear of the generational debts, the only person that stood as an obstruction for this self-induced desire was my father. What he claims as an engineer never visioned a world with hopes or desires, just his motive to force his life for a family he made, so no one will go hungry. It's surprising how the minds of the people are crushed by the intense pressure of the cooperative satisfaction, where the wide dreams of a utopic world compressed down to one single motive: survive. I tried to convince him that this isn't the world I should live and die for, as there is something better than that, which I meant is to break out of the life-and-its-quality-wearing rat race. He never wanted to be convinced by my thoughts, because all what he had in his mind was that I should never have a mind of my own, so that I would never disrupt his way of making a living. He is just confused, with the fact that whether his issues should live well or not. All that clouded him was the qualms that I would either be better than him when it comes to living, or that his life would be heavily disrupted, because I might take advantage of the allowances he unvehemently provides me with, so I wouldn't yap about it all day long. Thus, the reasons why he never supported my interests with passion, or with hopes that his biological investments would flourish. Often trying to bring this realization to his attention, all what he can offer is my old dying desires I never chose to revive because what they all had in common was the financial investment. Anything that involved money was what he indirectly chose to be an obstruction for, because he had his reasons to justify his cause that I wasn't "really showing my interests to it in the "rightful" way". Sad to hold him accountable for my current state of my mind. This desire of mine to slowly fade away from the face of the world will only be stopped if someone entrusted to care about me decides to have the right mind to know the depth of the well I fell into. Now that there isn't any one, I prefer to live this way, scared of the people and the world, and blame the old men that ruin my hopes for this place. All they crave for is their greed, and I was told by my father himself that the worst human beings in the world are the ones who are selfish. Now that he is slowly turning into what he hated to be, I have to endure. My dreams are shattered, and there is no hope. The world with hopes and desires shall only be lived in my phase of delusion. Never in reality, where hopes of reviving it down from its infrastructure now is just childish to even think of.
So the new semester has started, and things are just the same; but a slight increase in awareness of why I chose this path of my life. The advisor sugessted to do certification courses along with the regular classes. New faculties are boring. They aren't any close to those in the 3rd sem. The old prof I got pissed by in sem 1 came back to us to teach manufacturing process. I decided to get hold on to my own grips for now; seeing the professors I got to see this sem. Life is shit and bleak, and colourless as always. I just realized there is no one here in this world I could call out and seek help for. Never was I able to go out and see the beach during the sem break. Every passing day gets me closer to that thought of ending it all on the railway track in front of the campus. Vapi has literally made his stance to stay away from me until I spend time in the gym when he doesn't realize that I am being strangled by this semester. The world has shut their doors, and I am in utter darkness. I see darkness even when it's a broad daytime, in room M404 with ~65 other mortals around me. They somehow find someone to share laughter and talk to, and that is the only thing in my entire life I have ever failed to be like. It's getting worse; worse and worse. And I am simply sinking into my own oblivion. My only fear now is my will to live. For some reason, I couldn't get rid of something in me that wants me to end myself. The only thing I am barely fortunate for is that I get to write all these here, and rather not say this to anyone; not even Sameha. Everything around me is quickly losing colour, and my wish to quietly weep somewhere secluded is fading too. I tried to walk through railway tracks, and all I see is couples holding hands together, spending their "quality time". Life as a whole sucks. My perspective of happiness has really became materialized. Now they are memes and cats; flowers, sunrise and sets. My thoughts and dreams quickly shrunk into one small wooden house, placed between meadows and gardens, facing mountains with ice caps, and cherry blossom trees; beneath one of which I just want to sit down and admire the beauty of the river that flows past me, surrounding me would be no humans but a bunch of cats. And in the evening the house lit with warm ambient lamps, sounds of birds chirping, the river flowing, leaves rustling, cool and calm winds blowing; washing away all the pain, and tears that never fell from my eyes due to the intense pressure of being stoic in this cold place.. all of the pain, that was inflicted by the words and actions of all my classmates, "loved" ones I am forced to live with, scars caused by life's shackles, and the truth that I am never going to see beauty in life ever again.. all just going to be nothing but plain remniscents I could laugh and smile at.. all those small miniscule good times I could ever remember of.. knowing that I never wanted life to be this painful, though it had to be that way.
A simple meadow in which I will never be found; will never be cared about (like it has always been, but in a good way most certainly); will never be approched by Aromal and Aparna to be questioned about my citizenship in the country I was born into, the country I wanted to be utopic; will never be noticed by Ajayakumar over his concern regarding his software issues; will never be approached by people that seeks for donation and support for their crappy college programs, will never be approached by some sick bastards in hostels that seek daily for nothing but plates to fill their stomach; will never be noticed or informed by the news of the dying world and its humanity; will never be approached by Mohith, whose interest in inclining onto my source of comfort (sitting on my study chair and staring at his own segment of his usual comfort (his phone); having to witness his terrible admiration for cringe bollywood lores, his love life.. etc.,) really gets into my nerves; will never be approached by my diabetic step grandmother who used to walk three times into my room everyday, holding my meal; will never be approched by a phone that receives video and voice call notifications from Vapi, Pachi and whoever the fuck that wanted me to exist just for some mysterious sake. I've learnt all the "mysteries", and all it can unfold is nothingness.
fuck this place. fuck this world. thanks that i had to live the harsh way. thanks to meta for making me see dead children in the streets in Gaza, and making me feel sad about my day. Thanks for the media source that wants me to know bulldozers and sanghis are gonna get me, and that pinarayi starts to literally be in his harvey-dent-to-two-faced transition phase. A part of me wants to fly an SR71 Blackbird all alone, as high as I can, as fast as I can; so distant from people that I never want to feel sadness ever again. Clouds are soothing, they resemble tranquility, conveys something that marks an end to all pain.
On a chat with Kevin, I wrote: "Mankind has surely have evolved with merely or no sense of empathy. We are born blind into this world, and sadly most of us choose to live that way. And to seek to live as the otherwise would be an act of a fugitive from the eyes of the bureaucracy that desires to strengthen their twines on our puppet hands; failure of which would only lead them to send to us the gift of liquidation. A person that never chooses to lead a life of order is indeed the terror and fear to the eyes of bureaucracy, and indeed to the eyes of the apparent blinded minds among whom he/she chose to live. They are not known, but assumed. And known assumptions grow into conspiracies, which produce nothing but curiosity and the lust for the answers. The curious mind never rests, and thus lives the rest of the life in dismay and utter discomfort. If there would be a group of people that live that way, then they are the ones we chose to call as the fugitives or renegades; which some of them whose blinded eyes were luminated with facts will then call them "whistleblowers". " It has always been the desire of the whistleblower to be believed so that in the end the state of mankind will never had to be the way it would had it never been intervened by him. However, the real challenge exists, when we realize we are living in a world where the authenticity of a notion to be belived as a fact are determined by the booleans: True or False. And the hard part is to make people believe. We certainly are doomed. Forget the generation, it was always destined to be doomed. The world of colours and joy will exist only in the mere memories of ours. We care to emphasize on something that gives us the materialistic satisfaction, not a moral or spiritual one. It has and had been mine ultimate interest to distance from the rough world that contains everyone that was cursed with responsibilities to care about me, and people that I feel wouldn't stand well on their feet when I am around them. I've been asked by people who see my artwork about my color theme selection for most of my drawings. I find it hard to gather the right words and convey what's inside my head for a better answer. But I guess that's the way I see the world, or maybe I was forced to see it that way. A world where one's struggle has been imposed on to someone else just because they probably are related to them. I saw the world in black and white, where people around me are nothing but bots programmed with emotions that must be expressed to pretend sanity. I've been used often for their benefits, and I was hoped not to expect acknowledgement from them. I've often walked around like the soul of a dead body, something people definitely cannot perceive. When the pressure to interact with them becomes intense, I choose to do anything to get their attention and fulfill the deed, in hopes that I will never have to "resurrect" my carcass for them ever again. I really craved for some time off from the people I usually am forced to meet and talk with, because all I want to let them know is that I have a mind which is incorrigible, and structured in a way they never know. And I have succumbed to their ignorance which can only be expressed in terms of the counts of fuckery. I guess my moment to cherish solitude will only be felt if I ever get a chance to leave this mortal world. Death and darkness were the few things I was afraid of a decade back. Now I would hope that if I ever get a chance to travel back and meet that optimistic version of myself, I would want him to be convinced of the fact that such entities we fear are something meant to give us tranquility; because what we need to fear and endure will be this hard harsh world we were brought into. Darkness must be allied. Darkness has much of peace than light, because light resembles chaos. Light was only meant to be seen as a symbol of hope, but the true meaning is something much deeper than that.
A few terrible things seemed to happen. Jurgen is leaving liverpool, and I do not know how to react. And so is the whole of the coaching board that literally uplifted my whole life out of nothing. They have no idea how much impact they had on my life, when I was in the worst phase of my life. They literally gave a whole new meaning for the club motto. The song is the one that too played a crucial part in giving myself a second chance to live and resurrect from the 2017 trauma. I would never know who all are the people that are going to leave in the coming days, but I am prepared. I have convinced myself that good people come and go. That's probably the best I can ever do. I still would be a fan of liverpool, and Jurgen. Good things have happened, and now probably in the phase of rough roads to an even beautiful destination.
Watched Cars and Drive in the span of 2 days. Thinking of trying out some new movies rather than to keep urging myself to watch blade runner for the nth time. Minecraft seems to be boring at this point, and having no friends really add flavour to the boredom.
Had my practical exams today. It was Material Testing. Wack. Despite the fact that I did all the things that was supposed to be written in the paper better, I fucked up viva. Got a straight 10 minute firing session from vapi on phone after the exam, over the viva. And, for the first time in 4 years, I finally cried. I decided not to strike back, and hear it all from him, and get forcefully admit that I suck.
It sucks to be so lonely that I literally have no one to seek help from when it comes to academics. I wonder how long would I even pretend to laugh and care in this bullcrap life I ended up living and ruining. I am just alone. I literally can no longer feel any difference when I am in a class full of students, and me being in an empty class. The guys no longer hang out, and I no longer want to be a part of them. All what every people in my class wanted from me was my hospitality, and they ditch me like a chocolate wrapper once I give them what they wanted from me. All what vapi said that even made me question my point of existence really was true. I even doubt about getting placed. I am slowly considering to make full use of my driving license I got, so I can seek something serene when I fully twist down that handle of that shitbox 100cc motorcycle in NH66, that still gathers dust in mom's garage vapi intentionally never wanted to care for just because he knew what I was going to be doing with it. He can keep telling Pachi what a dork I am because I keep updating him about my academics. He can keep pretending as if he cares, because he makes the money. He can keep telling I am not pursuing my passion, because all he did was to be a hinderance when that passion involves money.
I don't know if I have finally reached my Paul Walker arc. And whatever that it would be, I am pretty sure I will never live to see 30. I am totally fine with it. To live is what fears me, and I can't risk it anymore.
Watched a movie today. It's a Malayalam Film "Neru" (Truth). The direction is goated, and I liked it. I often find that Jithu Joseph really hates to put himself in the audience perspective, and empathize with them. Adding depths to a mixture of anger, sadness, vindiction all into one scene is something this guy really can pull off.
Hello there!
Been a while since we met. You and I have missed a lot of things in a span of three weeks. The fact that it was already three weeks since the last time
I ever made an entry here was shown by my repository itself. Time goes by real quick, and I still find it a challenge to catch up with.
There have been certain instances in which I acted accordingly to the fact that time is the only one I am supposed to be livid with, and not the people that get into my nerves. Apart from the pink in academics, there is another thrive for a possibility in finding a soulmate. I might jump into a really terrible decision, but Sameha has been the only person ever to spend her free time for me, asking all kinds of questions regarding my updates and wellbeings. The challenge comes in when she goes away for her NEET coaching preparations, and I have a strong feeling that I shouldn't intervene. But all the time I get to chat with her, it really is a form of stress relief. I found my way out of sheer isolation when I realized I could be able to get with her, and toss all my thoughts to her, even when she is not around. It's like Vapi in his office opening mails from Aramco execs and replying to them one by one. It was all well when she was around and wasn't off for her entrance coaching classes. Now that I'd have to wait for her to get back, I had to struggle slightly, and I did not like this progress. It must be clean, and I must have no ambiguities about that. Yes, good side is there is a progress, but a one free to enjoy is well-deservingly cherishable.
I met her when I was in my class 10 math tuition in KSA, despite the fact that we met, we didn't speak with each other, and the black lady (tuition teacher, she coined her own nickname, and is used to it) had to leave to UAE during the initial covid wave. Before we met in person in the bowling alley party hosted by our mutual friend (my friend, a Canadian goose enduring in Calgary) in a compound club near Khobar Seafront, we used to talk in VC (yes, VC), and it wasn't that casual or intimate; until one day she started to care about my periodic absence from the gc. I would surely fight my way over the fact that there was only one person who cared to ask my state of mind in an environment filled with nothing but a bunch of NPCs that included all my classmates and people I meet in person everyday. I have decided to be more close to spirituality, because it did help me at some points. (I am NOT lying)
Now when I said about my dreams in this entry, I said I would choose to live in the end in both scenarios as still single and lonely, only after I found a soulmate, and experience more joy and heartbreaks (I probably couldn't endure more, because I had already been through one in 2017); and thus it's after then when the set I typed in that must entry must come in play. Speaking of which, my sister somehow decided to dig through my entries in this blogpage one day, and gave the most blenching remark I've ever heard from her, (most of which of her remarks usually were, but this one was the peak). She said that in the scenario in which I would be feeding birds in a park in an old age home where I would be sent to, she would bother me by scratching her butt and disrupting my only part of my life's timeline to cherish peace and an isolation in its best form, because she would also want to see herself in the same old age home I would die at. Too unwanting that it would badly force me to ask Sameha for her dad's number and go forward with the wedding once I land a job in my course-core company.
Will be really off in the coming weeks, even during the Christmas. I got a big event coming up in the month of January, and I want to make the best out of it. Also I got to pick my license card from my cousin. My will to live must be balanced with that one permit issued to me by the Government.
Today, I made another milestone.
I passed the Driving License Test. Was a bit nervous, but then I realized the only few things they (the old MVD dudes who look pissed) noticed weren't the one I anticipated, and I don't know what that it is. Anyway, might get the card hopefully next week. And I was scared, because I really know people in Kollam, they are literally the Ohio in Kerala.
I turned 20 2 days ago. 20 years round the sun, 20 years of a journey filled with Joy and pain. I made it anyways. Grateful.
And my campus has finally overthrown an establishment that seemed to had sought relevance through their centralised mindset that only made the quality of this college derailed. Wouldn't that be really better if the students rule with no political mindset used in as their element of influence rather? wouldn't that be better if we try to maintain things in such a way that the student union never stands constantly for causing oppression? Wouldn't that be better to convince someone that to produce a factor of oppression and then protest on it doesn't really serve the purpose and demand of the students?
A week long exam was over yesterday, so I had to stay away for a while. Plenty of things happening around the world. Children dying everyday, which is indeed saddening. I hope someday they will get their justice. Things are going unusually well for me. And next week is a milestone for me.
The government provides us university students an absolute hoorendous website. Transactions are not possible via that webpage. The urge that made me say this is because We've been asked to pay our semester fee through their website. Despite having great software engineers in this country, the government did not consider the importance having a website maintained well. I am doomed if I am not able to make payment by tonight.
We have a holiday today. There was something bizzare that happened last night in our glorified campus. Just a little punch between two party elites lead a team of police forces (probably a SWAT equivalent) to blockade our campus frontgate and walk up and down the parking lot. There were students crowded and something was not going well. And I noticed this on my way back from prayer at a mosque nearby. Two or three police buses with forces surrounding outside the campus really made me ask a few questions to people nearby, and they said the exact thing what I thought it would be. I was told this is something too normal for a college in kerala where college unions are a huge topic. The altercations were between a party I do not like, and a party I don't know much about. So apart from the whole scenario, the element of conflict didn't bother me at all. Something weird will happen this week, following the elections. I came to know that someone tore the nomiation paper, and violated a few election rules put forward by the University. A few students were summoned by the college to justify their acts. It was today morning when I got to see the reason why the SWATs had to intervene. One guy got jumped, and all the other guys from either sides were making an attempt to brawl because of what happened to him, despite seeing a few people trying to hold them back.
Not a bad day. It was fine. The third hour added with the friday prayer break is really soothing. I bought a lays gourmet.
The exams were postponed. Not surprising, as I saw it coming from miles away. The college must give spaces when a thing called student union elections take place. And it has always been the same party that kept winning. Another reason why I find this campus boring and dystopic. And the exams are scheduled on the day of my driving test. So to either prepone it or reschedule it after the exams would be the only option I would have; and for that, I would have to make a reluctant journey to the Regional Transport Office. I must seek someone to accompany.
I just find it bit hurting, when someone you had a good friendly impression for; ostracises you real quick. It would be a fun for A****l and A****a to do such, as they know I could do nothing about it. I don't feel like gaining any hopes, when all I do is wake up and leave for the classes, and sit there listening to the lectures when the professors take their hours. And when they're not, I would be able to see and feel a huge boundary between me and other 71 students. All of them would find someone to share their thoughts with, and find joy in it, share laughter; and at the end of the day, they would go home with someone they could talk with. And I would find myself stranded with no one but me. And I would just simply walk back to my hostel room the same way I walked to the classes: with a feel of dejection and desolation. I am pretty sure it's not a complete loneliness that forces me to be sad; but the feel of being lonely even when you actually found someone to talk and fuck around with. Kevin couldn't show up all the time, and my sister reluctantly permits me to send my thoughts to her in text chats, though she does not read any of them most of the time. She is a caring person, so caring that I had a feel of regret when I didn't find any way to help her with her problems. I asked my father about seeking a medication for such (being aware of the risks) by meeting a clinical psychiatrists nearby. He did gave approval. The old therapists never did cause any change in me, because all they did was to come to a shitty conclusion from a conjecture. Aromal did pretend to care by frequently asking about the unstable relationship between me and my father, yet all he chose to be at the end of the day was being acquisitive, despite all the times I took him and A****a out for some drinks or to dine somewhere. The same stance was what I saw in her too. And I am pretty convinced about the fact that I am a subject of ostracization for them.
Sometimes, I would wish to do the first few things right after I get my driving license. To give use of an old TVS Centra in our house's car porch. The only few people I remember who used it was my grandfather (until he died back in 2015), my uncle and my father: if they are here for their vacations. I've rode the bike too, inside the compound. My use for the bike was restricted only within the family compound, which was big enough to simply give a test ride for smaller RPMs and lower gears. I would like to take it and go somewhere far, just to clear my head off.
Yesterday, I reluctantly sat down and listened to Mohith's approach towards his feeling for all the women who possibly ditched him. And this forced me to stay awake till the morning, and learn a part in Fluid Mechanics that had something to do with an assignment that is supposed to be turned in tomorrow. I am pretty sure why his sister wouldn't want to intervene and care for his emotions, when all he does is to give beyond-borderline care and affection to people he thinks is nice from his perspective. And such an obsession to be more communicative with girls forced him to lose a good chance of doing something good with his life. I am not against the idea of having a healthy friendship with people of the opposite sex. I learned its importance right after I joined this campus. Because when that became the first time I felt I literally was in a co-ed environment, I had to quickly think of blending my mind and personality with this little world, partly because of which I possibly had to endure with a kind of loneliness I wouldn't want to have. I wouldn't want to say no to Mohith for expressing his thoughts, even when I know that isn't really his actual problem. I kept listening to him, and had to frequently remind him about a fact that I am not exactly a connoisseur when it comes to relationships. Adding with a little friendly rejectable advices, I eventually made attempts to get off the strings.
I might be the first person in my campus to ever get rejected in a club interview. I saw the linedin profile of the person who called me for the interview, and I don't know how to react. She looks more professional than me. I need to learn a lot from her, and we both are of the same age. This is an embarassment for me.
The day today was mid. Not bad. However, I got a bunch of serious works to do, because the next week, I must witness the first examination paper of the second year. Detrimental. Also a very canon event fr. Had a business meeting with Kevin too, after the class. Very interesting therapy session. I liked it. Only if I had a huge budget would I then be able to go for such business meeting in a restaurant nearby with kevin, EVERYDAY.
You know what I want to be in a few years?
If you are a person of my age, wouldn't you have dreams of getting rich and having a house and getting married to someone you dearly love? If I've been asked a question that made you answer this, then I have something odd.
I just want to be happy. And what should happiness mean to me? Some people personify thoughts that make them happy, while some materialize happiness. For me, it's a mix of both of these.Sometimes, I simply want good times to come back, or I must have an apparent feel of something similar incase the fate wouldn't be that exact. And if I get a life that I previously desired, which is to be rich and powerful, I wouldn't really know what to do with all the wealth I gathered. I still really don't know what my heart desires. But I am sure about one thing. It's always the simple things I need to be happy at the barest. So I stick with simple things if I make it in the end.
I want to be alone. As I used to be. It was sad and frightening for me at the beginning. But reality of it slowly unfolded as I lived in isolation. It actually saved me from people I don't like. But also from the people I do like. Though not completely, it helped me know what I need. Being alone really helped me understand why either being extreme isolated or extreme contacted by the people I meet everyday would make me happy, while feeling lonely when still people I meet everyday interacts with me really pisses me off.
I want to cry. Funny for having such a wish, because the last time I cried was 4 years back. And since then I was wondering why I didn't cry through all these years when I still had tough days through most of this timeline. Also I forgot how to. The real pain is when you're not able to cry. Because being dead inside is more challenging than simply being dead. Death as I know is a gateway to tranquility. Should I count on it would be something debatable for my moral and immoral side. I relied on morality in the form of religion for years, and I still didn't lost any grip at it. So I am on a point of ambiguity regarding this. I assure you, this natural ability of a typical human wouldn't come back to me even when something happens to someone I must care about.
If that ambiguity still dwell in my mind, then I would have two approches to the setting of my life's
movie at the end of its timeline:
The first one would be me at an old age home. I still haven't clearly had a firm belief on a fact that life would
be complete when you are able to start a family and have something to feed you and them for a long time. But in several cases,
it only will be a responsibility that ends up being a great burden. And when it is a burden, there is a great possibility that
the family you have would be reaching a certain inevitable point where ostracizing you would be their only choice for their
life through endurance. To have a brave thought of facing it sounds good, but not practically.
So when I reach a point in my life where I have no one to finally worry about, I can be sent to an old aged home.
Hence I would be free of duties. Now I can be given simple auxillary duties I made for myself: Taking care of myself as much as I can,
and to feed pigeons and pet ducks in a small garden. The nurses shall do their work, but they still must respect my space.
Now to the second approach. Me in a small house next to a seashore, in a beach cliff. I still want a pet duck. And I need a
cruiser motorcycle. I don't want neighbors. I still can have this laptop, or other gadgets. Depends on the innovation I might
see when I make it there. Need no wife or maids. A small house has easy access to everything needed, and is easy to clean.
I can learn how to cook anything that suffice me. And a good view of the sea and the horizon is a must, as I can simply feel happy with
watching a sea. I can have free thought when I am finally free. Maybe I can write about it here one day.
Just got my second sem result today. And it was not good, despite the fact that it is an average score. I need to do something.
I am not sure about whether there would be any classes right after workshop today, and if's not the case, I must think about getting back with the CTF games I used to do before. Not knowing the difficulty of it as I passed throiugh every levels, I must take risk of wasting a good amount of time for this.
Had a day that almost brought me back to that "second thought".A few sets of second-hand embarassment due to some consecutive clumsiness from my part exposed by my beloved advisors, which made me an unexpected laughing stock for a few students today. Not sure, but the days that lead will be more testing for me. I might even have to finish writing the will note, and do the prompts to open the letter as she logs in to this laptop, when the day arrives.
And I also had an almost "peaceful" rainwalk today. Almost, because some NPC who once mocked me for living a moment in hestia techfest noticed me, and I had to wave and keep walking. After a disastrous badminton session, I realized why the weather today suits my current state of mind. I need to reinforce my mind and heart well enough to withstand potential embarassing events that might come up tomorrow. Staffs here got very unpredictable these days, and I don't know whether to like it or not. I found a few interesting things beside the attempt to cry in the rain: that when I wasn't able to use my phone's flashlight (wet hands). Because I found out I had to create a light in my mind, and use it to guide myself through the darkness.
I found a guy I need to talk to, when it comes to talking about movies. He's not new, and he was an old member of our school hostel bois. Apart from being a proud liverpool critic, Sebin has a good taste in movies. And I like it.
I don't know what is going on. The professors are either busy with the pre-sem paper evaluations, or busy inducting new freshman students joined this sem. Because they haven't gone into the core concepts of the subjects they teach, and it's been a week since the new semester started. And we might have apparently half a day off today.
Also I went to watch a movie with the boys yesterday. It's SRK's Jawan. Let me tell you: It's bollywood; so everything is basically predictable, and I do not like it. All what the people wants in the movie is the action thrillers and dramatic entry of the stars in the movie. Story was good; just the direction; that looks like was done by someone so hyped after watching Chotta Bheem. This time, a considerably greater part of the audience shared the same opinion I had in my mind; A blend of recent blockbuster movies that can even potentially be the next box office bomb. Cinematography was fine, and props to that despite all these exaggerations that the usual bollywood hyperbolizes. A perfect actor must be able to create a vaccum of emotion in the viewer's heart, and must be able to fill that void with a new set of emotions, be it mixed or sorted. But it must bring in the emotional control in such a way that the viewer must have a scenario in his mind as if he was that character in the movie, and this assumption must be stuck in him for a very long time.
Been away for a while. I was not busy at all. Just trying to be happy in being alone. I couldn't smile despite the fact that I went to play badminton yesterday and day before. I tried reading some books I bought for the semester, and still I couldn't bring my mind to it. I can't focus. Something's totally wrong with me. And I wanted Kevin to take me to pool and Cinemas, and he didn't, because the rest of the other boys went home. I was just spending my day eating regular hostel meals, watching youtube, and sleeping. I am so alone, and it's funny that people really wanted to ignore me.
Too much blog records of me being alone. I'm not sure if I am supposed to be sad or be happy about it. Was it all the delusions caused by pity I had in my mind when I see campus couples, where people I know are seemed to be either in love, or have someone to join the company of walking somewhere? Or was it that I just feel awkward when people surround me? Pretty sure I wouldn't feel that awkwardness when people gather around me during my funeral. Reels in Instagram started to get boring, as I scrolled miles down, and tried to laugh at all memes. I just wanted to be like everyone else, where I didn't felt like I was a geek, and I wanted to have some friends. Or sometimes, I feel I don't want friends. I need someone to be more open to. Sometimes, I feel all these thoughts are because it's been a while since I last lifted a dumbbell.
Aware of the fact that only a few (if by chance) would notice all these entries in this webpage, I still do it anyway, because by some means, I want to prove a point; that I lived. At least.
Back to the even more dystopic world I just lived. I realized its not money that I need, just a really small cabin-like house next to a seashore, with me and my bed and my laptop, with an infinite supply of fizz drinks and French fries. With a cat and a horse. Me alone, like I usually used to be.
I will be living through days of despair and endurance. A time that tests me mentally and physically. I am convinced that there is more for me to do to be a man. My pain is constant. I will get myself together and hope for good times to return.
Apart from today's good news that I was finally able to rectify the Sem registration issue, there was certain people I found mildly annoying, apart from the senior advisor. It was now a dude who teaches us a subject called Design and Engineering. Seems like he wanted an austere environment, and he almost tried his best to terrify all of us with his English vocabulary that for him sounded like a jargon. When he asked us to design whatever that thing we had in our mind, he didn't provide us with a discretion to draw by adhering with the things I learnt about engineering graphics in the first sem. And despite the fact that I drew a fighter jet that disastrously looked like an F22 Raptor, and that too without a proper plan, elevation and a side view, he seemed to be satisfied when he gave me his epic "suggestion" by telling this is not a school drawing and he said some other things I don't really remember because all that was in my mind when he kept saying all those things while all the other students glued their eyes on me, was the frustation I had to face at that moment because I was just disappointed about not being able to fully decipher his character.
The most unfortunate thing happened today. My semester registration wasn't approved, despite the fact that I paid for the registration. I've contacted my advisor, senior advisor and mailed the head of department. And I was told to go meet the Ad Desk tomorrow. Moments of stress. Great way to start a sem! Lost my room keys, and Rabbani isn't sure about the chances of finding my spare key in his deposit.
Usual talks with my PA would never be more peaceful than I anticipated. She is amazing!
It came to my mind about the words my mom's uncle told in the car while on our way to attend our relative's wedding. There are two types of people in the world, good people who turn bad, and vice versa. But there are some people who are neither of these. And I suppose the "person" he was talking about was a woman next door of our house, who once knew her role as a wife of my mother's uncle (That uncle who was a Police Officer), now turned into someone ostracized. We call her moly. I was close to her till I was 11. She had a posessive mind, where she never wanted her husband to go and interact with his siblings, or with their children. And that envy and aggression turned her into someone who is hated by everyone in the neighbourhood, that at one point my grandmother came up with a claim that Moly wanted my mom dead. Long story short, Moly is hated here, and in light of several lawsuits she filed against my grandmother and her in-laws 5 years back, an officer showed up and told the people in the case (both complainant and the defendant) to show up at the court at a certain date.
Two more months to hit a milestone. But that's not the topic for now. I want to write a movie, and I need some serious help with it. I do have several packets of thoughts being intercepted in my mind every second I find myself in an odd but less weird situation. And to write it down here would be difficult, as the thoughts are volatile, and I am very lazy to write it down here.
Well what must stop me from being called a psychopath when I've just spent 16 hours straight watching the whole GTA5 walkthrough for the 3rd time? Would that help me with the damn idea for a movie, or am I really in need of a therapist? I've been told by people with experience that Malboro wouldn't really work, and so to think of the effects of going beyond that point of intrusion is imaginable.
I badly wanted to watch some movies to cure boredom.
No CTF today, as I decided to watch a boring tamil film Jailer, right after I finished watching wolf of Wall Street. The only thing I have in my mind right now is to make a new webpage to review movies. I'll do the same to talk about football too. The only reason I am here in the movie theater is not to watch Jailer, but to blog about what's those I had to see in the famous dicaprio's movie.
Apart from the scenes that do induce questions in some audience, the movie was great, and the acting of LDC was peak. Perfect. I am a huge fan.
Well, Jailer was too predictable, and apart from the predicatable action scenes, the story was good.
So I have decided to walk away from this. No this is not a Post Nut Clarity because the previous blog was a real document of that day. Despite all these efforts
to be normal, there are still challenges. I couldn't go out and watch movies now, because the people who I used to watch movies with, seems to be on a tight budget. So I need to come up
with something to make me feel involved.
I tried to do some small CTF puzzles, one of which was mildy annoying that the level of its difficulty caused a great imapct in me that the reaction with tea and 3 Litres of Fizz drink in my stomach along with this codebreaking frustration caused me to dip and think of something else.
The first challenge was simple. It was just to open a text file embedded within the webpage and all it took was a wget magic. Not sophisticated, and not difficult.
However, the second challenge forced me to look at the hints, and the link embedded with the challenge pop-up of that webpage had more than one file. A python script to decode a ROT13 code to get the flag, and a separate text file with a password to the python script which was written in a bit64 format.
After a few sets of head scratching, I figured out that the password in the text file was not just had to be directly copied and pasted into the python script's execution interface, but that I had to initially use a set of side parameters while trying to execute the script, where you could use -d or -e, followed by the password text file name, to obtain again, a ROT13 ciphered code, which had to be decrypted to obtain the flag.
Then there was another baffling challenge, to find the flag in a jpg file. It would've been grateful if the hint really specified what it meant when it said to look at the file properties, because that was the moment the physical pain and ambiguity I felt after an apparent intoxication of that drink reacting with the evening tea forced me to recline on to the couch while thinking what had to be done to decrypt the jpg file. Was it the next "Cicada" thing? I wondered.
And then I saw someone posted on a subreddit about the same challege, where they said it was all about knowing the bit64 characters embedded in it when we use the exiftool and see the image properties. Decoding it finally gave me the flag. And then I stopped there.
Now this time, the code embedded within the enc file is something written in Chinese, and even the translator couldn't understand what it was. Will look into it later, while I jump to the next puzzle.
The title for this one is called as "Stonks". This time the script embedded in the popup is written in C and there is something I should be doing with netcat too. Done with it. I just realized that the file vuln.c actually seeks the user input for reading the stack by asking some API token. THe thing is that it generates some random set of values with the format X shares of a certain value; random in the sense that it keeps generating some different outputs like in this format even when I entered the same API token everytime I re execute the script. And I just realized I need to have an experience with a python script that uses pwn module. So I am done for today. Will be troubling my movie dealer (aka the clown that stole Nejuva from me) for the link to watch Inception.
So bored even during Onam. I wanted to pack up and LEAVE this damn place for 10 days. Exams were fine. The truce between me and my father continues.
I just witnessed a dystopic day today, in the campus. In most of those people dressed up for the festive celebrations with all the smiles, I saw darkness in them. I saw something odd. All the people that I used to hang out with, are now gone, made me feel like I am in a literal matrix. The amount of calls I made to my closest friends to ask their whereabouts in those crowds, and the amount of times some of them lied to me, while some didn't pick up, was unusual. I wasn't able to fully take in the festive vibes, hoping to treat myself for being able to finish the first year, and it was all ended out, like as if I fell into a world filled with people that doesn't seem to care when I felt I was being isolated. This is what really happens when I find myself in the middle of a crowd, throwing themselves into the party vibes, when I won't be able to process about the fad that is now in the air. I saw people dancing with people they claim as something more than a friendship, and a few of them like me tried to mingle and vibe with them, knowing that there would still be some people who just couldn't take it in such a way to find those in desolation finding a bit of dopamine. I wonder whether if it was a kind of atmosphere created by my father, when I told him to go put a bullet in his head, when he screamed at me because I hung out with the brother of my dead mother, for a while.
I've lived through a dystopian world before, but having not to expect a turntable to the things caused me to get blanked out all of a sudden. Thing is, I want to get my mind off it. Easy enough, except I need an idea.
Maybe stess testing a college webpage served by inmotionhosting would be less impactful. I must find some other alternative to do so.
Things never seemed to get better for me. Had a shit day today. The paper today was just ridiculously difficult. I just need to seek some time alone. Fizz bottles didn't help. Or even the old citalopram tablets I stole from my friend. I just find it diffcult to accept something I didn't wanted to accept.
Life without wifi is awkward. I mean I am not being critical of the 'stoic' mindset,
though it actually have a lot of things I need to question about. The hostel situated at the
middle of a damn jungle feels like is a million mile away from the nearest mobile tower. So
the chances of me trying to cure my boredom by making edits to this webpage or trying to figure
out something about making a ping pong game I had mind my mind, would be bleak. Also it's really awkward when
you have such striking thoughts in the middle of an end semester exam, and not when you needed it.
So funny life really is.
Done watching Amazing Spiderman. Too late to watch I know; but let me tell you, the casts and the story
were awesome, and the buildup to the story of connors screwing up the algorithm shown in Connors' Equation.
But despite all these action thriller moments, the movie was too predictable. And as the year goes by, it's only when
I realize that the old action hero movies gets cringier and crigier. Something really needs to change. It sounds more common
when people really advocate by voicing their fandom for such movies. The direction of the movie can really be compared with one of the most awkward
movies in the DC franchise: Flash(2023) partly because of its odd cgi, despite having a fairly good story. DC seemed to be better when it comes to providing great stories,
and finding the perfect actors for it. But this might've been where I feel they drew the line. It was good when Joker and Dark Knight Trilogy
was a hype. Both went upto Oscar recognition, and they deserved it.
So I decided to get rid of my boredom and hopelessness of not being
able to sneak into the library on a sunday by stress testing the server of the college webpage.
A 20 rupees sting also helped me cope with the pain, as the cost of fizz bottles seemed
skyrocketed. My only trepidation at present is the Mechanics and Civil Eng Basics. Or the world wasn't build for me to interact with Safa.
Btw new hostel doesn't seem 'that' boring despite the claustrophobic issue both in the room and the bathroom.
I kinda hate when toilet and shower gets separated. And it's even terrifying to even think of the height of the door of one of the three toilet stalls. The ground clearance is so wide that someone can crawl into it, or even put a phone through it when someone uses his only chance to answer nature's call.
Still bored. meh.
I waged some wars and won today. Shoutout to Top G.
So bored that I don't even wanted to think of not thinking about something. Maybe I just go green with the intrusive approach? Should I release the thoughts? Should I risk a degree course?
Thinking of trashing the civil department, that hag has done it again. All she cared was for her salary and self esteem, and not my internal grades and the marks of the second internals. 15/25 is a pathetic score, and she wants to make it look even worse.
And why does this look so horrendous, yet primitive to vent my thoughts through a crappy approach of using github repository edits rather than to use a separate private html page encrypted and fortified with a two factror authentication? knowing that i have barely or no touch in php, i fear giving a dime of my time thinking of doing something about it. I am lazy to even do this.
Aaand, the second sem comes to an end. No longer a fresher. Grappled well enough for a phase 1 redemption as a compensation for the first internals downfall. A few days of headstart gap to do more works here in the webpage.
Nervous? i dont know! i wrote the test well enough to be satisfied.
Maybe it's really the wrong time I decide to show up here in the library. The convulsion of people next to me makes me hit my head on the table and run sowewhere. I need to take a break. And what's worse is they badly want me to think of mandhi. And wearing headphones wouldn't be just enough.
-->Doubting that the threads might take over my intersts, I might blog here once in a bluemoon.
Maybe I just need to stop going to classes in rainy days. Can't go wet. This is absurd. Did the collector declare a holiday for us or for the rain?
The most wet day today. My plans to get away from my inclination is dwindling away from me, carried away with the cold rain winds.
I hate socializing. Perils of being with the old man is that there should be no objection to his interests when it comes to living with his influence by socializing with people I don't want to interact with. And thus, the delays in updating this webpage.
This is the beginning. Maybe I need to add some more edits to this part. I get a lot of ideas like these and I don't know when and how would I find time to fill it.